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An Alternative Guide to Blackpool

Right...if you are someone that takes offense to this...my advice...get a sense of humour...it's a j.o.k.e...




Blackpool, a wonderously happy place with plenty to do, exciting local culture and a wholly interesting sea-front where you can pick up quality goods at a cut-price.

At least, that's what Blackpool borough council wants you to think. In reality, Blackpool is a horrible place, with nothing to do, where "townies" live, a rip-off promenade with gypsies trying to sell you goods that have literally just fallen off the back of a lorry : "the cracked case means it's official."

To start with, Blackpool was once a "beach resort." Everything, such as "hotels", "restaurants", "cafes", and "attractions" are built around this "beach." Although, I use the word "beach" lightly, as in reality, it is a resting place for used hyperdermic needles, contraceptive devices, broken bottles, and the odd corpse. The sea isn't much better either. You see, in Blackpool, the local water authority seems to be under the impression that if you pump out raw sewage into the sea, it will magicaly clean itself, and end up as crystal clear, snorkel worthy water. As you can probably guess, they're wrong. Where the surf meets the sand, white, frothy "goo" forms, that smells like sewage. To anyone that does venture out into the sea, I would recommend chemical decontamination, or culling, depends which is quicker.

The local culture of Blackpool appears to be that of a "townie" sort. Now, let me explain, "townies" can be spotted by looking for some simple characer traits: the wearing of a tracksuit, when they are going nowhere near a sporting event or a running track, tracksuit bottoms tucked liberally into bright white socks, the listening to of such drivel as dance "music", the speaking of the words "pure" and "yeeaah man buzzhead", and finally, the consumation of the devil-drink itself, "cider". They are usually found around bus stops, telephone booths, street corners or on mopeds. Now, the reason "townies" are included here, is because they can totally ruin an otherwise fine day. By simply seeing one, your immediate reaction is "what the heck?" And then, when you enquire why they are wearing a tracksuit, yet not participating in a sporting event, they usually hit you. You should also watch out for townies in disguise, people such as "Chris Womersley", for example.

Adorning the promenade, with cardboard tables, are gypsies, trying to sell you such quaclity items as watches, 2-50 for a "ROLOX." Make it past these people and you're accosted be people trying to make you play their street "games". Which are rigged 100% of the time, so noone ever wins. And then, make it past these and you're handed a tacky voucher, with which you can get 10p of a pint of beer, if you're 18, and female. I have so many of those. So, to sum up, Blackpool is tacky, overpriced, populated by freaks in tracksuits, and smells funny. My advice to you, discerning reader, do not even bother unsheathing a bargepole with which to poke, just stay well away, it's already too late for us...

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